Know! the Five Reasons Young People Give for Using Alcohol, Tobacco and Other Drugs

Reason 2
To Fit in and Belong

Children want others to like them. Sometimes the group they want to join is - or the child thinks the group is - drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, or using other drugs. Sometimes kids turn to alcohol, tobacco and other drugs to feel like they fit in - to overcome anxiety, change their personality, or give themselves courage to talk to other people.

Our society is flooded with messages that encourage us and our young people to use alcohol, tobacco and other drugs to enhance our lives and develop social skills. The messages can vary: "If you want to celebrate, don't do it without alcohol." "If you want to be pretty and thin, just pop some speed." "If you want your music to be cool, just smoke a little marijuana." "If you want an instant escape, just sniff some glue." But they help convince young people that they, too, should join "the crowd". Remember, wanting to fit in and belong is one of the most natural parts of growing up. It is important. In fact, if we really listen, we may find that for some it is THE most important part of growing up.

So how do we help our children deal with and avoid negative peer pressure?

Follow these action steps:

> Help your child deal with peer pressure.

Even though young people often report that they learn more from friends when they reach adolescence, studies have found that these same adolescents would PREFER to learn about a variety of important topics from their parents or other caring adults. Peer influence does increase during the teen years, but the influence of caring adults can remain strong if you've established a strong relationship during the earlier years.

Parents, grandparents, elders, aunts and uncles, foster parents, guardians, mentors, and others can play a strong role in helping young people face pressures to use alcohol, tobacco and other drugs. In fact, not wanting to harm the relationship between themselves and the caring adults in their lives is the most common reason that young people give for not using alcohol and drugs.

Therefore, establishing a clear wish that you, as a caring adult, do not want them to use alcohol, tobacco and other drugs provides the strongest motivation for them to refuse offers to try these substances.

Most peer pressure for young people is just as subtle as it is for most adults. For example, let's say you just started a low-fat diet and you've been out playing cards with your friends. They've been eating chips and dip, but you're really proud that you've been snacking away on raw vegetables. It's time to go and as you drive home with your neighbor, she says, "Hey, let's stop off at the pizza place down the block." You mutter something about being on a diet and she says, "Oh come on, just one piece of pizza won't kill you." This is peer pressure, and it's the same as what a child experiences when a slightly older pal suggests just taking a "little" hit because he knows that this kid really doesn't want to do drugs. He's going to show some respect by offering just a "little." No big thing.

This is why practicing resisting peer pressure is important. (See Exercise 2)

> Help your child act appropriately in social situations.

A basic course in general manners often helps here. And, again it's a matter of practicing. Young people want to be socially acceptable. And, if being socially acceptable meanseating with a knife and fork instead of with one's hands, then
that's what kids want to learn.

Practice in meeting and greeting people also is very helpful. Teaching young people some sentences that help them "break the ice" with others will help.

Teaching children how to ask questions about others and to be good listeners also will help shape their social skills. (See Exercise 3)

Again, you can get lots of input from your child to help with this important task. Ask them when they feel awkward. Tell them about a situation in which you felt awkward and see if they have ideas for dealing with the situation in the future.

Let them know that social situations often are awkward at first and that they are not very easy for most people. Ask them about their experiences.

Let them know that some people turn to alcohol and drugs to get them through awkward social moments, but then they don't get to practice this skill, and postponing it only makes it harder. Let them know that it's okay to feel awkward at
times. We all do!

> Help your child build solid relationships.

Young people today are raised by a variety of different caregivers, such as grandparents, foster parents, coaches, and mentors, in a variety of settings.

Because of the short-term nature of many adult relationships that they see, young people may find it difficult to believe that relationships can be counted on to meet their needs.

But that doesn't mean that they don't want to believe this, they do. They want the security of thinking that whatever relationships they have are solid, that they are going to last, and that they can count on other people in their lives. Your relationship with them can give them this assurance. Value them, seek their input, and make your expectations clear as your child grows up. The goal is for them to understand that your love will always be there for them. They are going to test that premise over and over again until they are very sure that you mean it

You can teach them that all relationships are important, but that some relationships are very special and require hard work. How you handle a divorce in terms of recognizing how difficult and complicated it is for everyone involved, for instance, will teach your child a lot about relationships. How you acknowledge that relationships encompass a wide range of human emotions - from joy to pain - also will teach your child a lot. How you acknowledge and accept the important people in his or her life also will teach a lot about relationships.

A supportive caregiving pattern includes:

• Strong acceptance of the child.
• High expectations for appropriate behavior.
• Strong responsiveness to the child.
• Strong positive involvement with the child, for example, in planned activities.
• Solid guidance.

Being a Mentor

Mentors provide support and encouragement, serve as positive role models, and help those they mentor recognize their own potential and set positive goals. Parents are often good mentors, but many people in a child's life - such as coaches, teachers, doctors, and religious or community leaders - can be mentors. If you are thinking of being a mentor to a child, here are some things to consider:

• Be very clear about what the child can expect from you.
• Ask the child if the arrangement is satisfactory. If not, respect the answer and try to work out a reasonable resolution.

Exercise 2
Resisting Peer Pressure

Finding creative ways to refuse alcohol, tobacco and other drugs requires humor and lots of practice. Children can help develop their own set of "turn down" comments, but it's your job to help them practice these so that they are not thrown off balance if the offer is more subtle or more direct than what was anticipated. A lot will depend on the age and temperament of the children, and the most important thing is to make sure they're comfortable with what they want to say. Your job is to coach them to use language and phrases that they come up with themselves.

For instance:

• A shy child might want to say, "No, thanks" or "I gotta go" and then walk away quickly.
• A more outgoing child might say, "What? Are you talking to me? Forget it!" or "No, I don't do drugs."
• You may need to help an angry child come up with something that doesn't needlessly antagonize someone, especially if there is a danger of violence.
• Children who have difficulty refusing offers from older kids or adults may need help in practicing a forceful and believable reason that clearly lets the other party know that they do not want to use alcohol, tobacco and other drugs.

The name of the game is practice, practice, practice. The younger the child, the more practice he or she will need, but this cannot be a one-time session. You might find, for instance, that a 10-year-old has no trouble whatsoever saying no to a suggestion to try a beer at a neighbor's house. However, 3 years later, when the 17-year-old next door asks him if he wants a beer, you hear him hesitate, not so sure of himself and his convictions at 13 as he was at the age of 10.

Exercise 3
Building Social Skills

Offer young people some exercises to make them feel more at ease and comfortable in social situations.

If your child is going to a party or dance, have her set a goal of meeting two or three new people - no more than that. Goals should be kept within reach.

Teach your child how to break the ice with people by saying, "I've heard that you just came back from a trip to . . . Like alternative music . . . etc." Encourage them to say what they think or feel about these topics.

Have your child go to a new place with a friend. No one needs to try to do everything alone. The key is just to not stay together the whole time. Each of them might try to meet one other person and come back later to share the stories about the interesting person each has met. (By the way, almost everyone is interesting in his or her own way. It's fun to see if we can find out about the most interesting part of each person we meet!)

If the child you care for happens to be very shy (or extremely aggressive) and you are having difficulty teaching social skills, you may want to seek help. Social skills are very important for navigating through the stormy adolescent years.

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